I did not grow up with animals, so I hardly understood “petting” shall I say. Each time I saw people with their pet, cat and dogs mostly, I wondered,” what does that mean?” or ” what is this about?”, questions like that.
Well, recently I realized having and petting those animals were life saving. how? here it goes: I have been socializing with my neighbors, one could say, and I realized most of them (but me) like, actually love, pets. One of my neighbors told me,” do you know what it’s (petting) called?”
“no”
“It’s called love”

Most people do with them as they do with their own children, sometimes more gentle.

Penny is a cat, and Sophia is a dog.One care giver is an old woman who has nervous ticks or reactions with each single word she says, and the other one is a guy who burns alcohol and medicine as his main daily nutrition. In my mind, both animals are helping their care givers to stay alive since the pets are keeping their owners companies as being “loved” by their care givers.

Probably pets bring meannings and purposes to many lives as children do, better to practice messing up pets than humans.

Since when being a house wife is not a job?

Living in an apartment, I hear lots of discussions which goes on between friends and partners. If they speak English or Farsi, I will understand what they say. Well, today I heard a power play argument going on between a boyfriend and girlfriend who have a child. She isn’t making money, but he does. Feeling proud he said,” fine, you pay the rent for the next month.” She almost screamed of anger.
I thought since when being a house wife is not a job?
Why a job is only considered as an activity to earn money?  Money brings power!

If you have gone through my old drafts located on this blog, probably you would have realized I used to be a very fat girl, actually almost +100 kg when I was 18.

I was teased at, laughed at, put down and even encouraged, yes as strange as it sounds, encouraged, for being fat. I remember boys would call me ,dokhtar hadji in streets which was not a nice compliment, and it did hurt. I was picked up in school, and I had a friend who wouldn’t mind i get more fat as she was a very jealous girl in general.

Anyway, since then I became obsessed  with my weight and  my look as I would always see me as a fat girl. Regardless of how much I weighed later in my early adulthood, there was always room and more kilograms to lose. There always were smaller sizes of dress which I could wear and fit in as I had to be the thinnest and fittest to feel ok.

Past week I heard in news that medical professionals have not yet found a solution to acheive a permanent weight loss ; in my mind,they yet have not found what is the healthy weight.

Yes, there is a range, and there are theories but no solution.
 to lose weight or not to lose weight.

They are so called yo-yo dieters, those who do not maintain a stable weight through their lives. But, who does?

Oprah Winfrey, to name one, has been 185 Ibs at 1986, 145 Ibs at 1988, 237 Ibs at 1992, 150 Ibs at 2005, and 165 Ibs at 2006.

The point is which one is the healthy weight, the least or the most or the mid? I bet many women would say the least. But, if being big and chubby as no bones shown was the fashion these days would women still behave, think and feel the same? would they yet die to be the thinnest to be the sexiest, the most attractive? Probably the answer is no, so where is the line? or is there any line at all?

What I am trying to point out and say is most of our thinkings, feelings and behaviors are influenced by our culture, TA speaking : A HUGE Parent. A culture which says and determines the shoulds and the should nots, the oughts and the ougth nots, the ways and the way nots and so on and so forth. We are bunch of people with lost identities who blindly and falsely follow cultural norms, rules and routins in hope of finding ourselves again, but guess what? More ones conforms; more one gets lost.

So , which is the I? how do I naturally look alike? As a woman, what is my natural and healthy look alike?

Earlier I’ve posted about the weight issue I had, and, also, those who have gone through the old drafts I’ve archived here already know I suffered from eating disorders for atleast 10-13 years. I yet struggle with my look and weight just a bit slighter than some other women I suppose.

Any how, I found a piece online, and it was so similar to how I thought and felt that I couldn’t resist not to mention it here, on my blog. she said:
 ”Since the age of six I’ve had bad body image. I was always NOT RIGHT. Something was always fucked up with me. Either it was my hair or my feet or my nose, or my weight. I figured that if I could just be thinner, things would be better. If I could just lose some weight, I would be a different person with different friends and some different glamorous life. And so it started.”……”It was disgusting for me to…. , but I put my whole life into being the best, the thinnest, the winner..” (end quote).

It is an imaginary battle to fight to be accepted.

What I pointed out earlier in particular in one of my poatings is:
“But, if being big and chubby as no bones shown was the fashion these days would women still behave, think and feel the same? would they yet die to be the thinnest to be the sexiest, the most attractive? Probably the answer is no, so where is the line? or is there any line at all?
What I am trying to point out and say is most of our thinkings, feelings and behaviors are influenced by our culture, TA speaking : A HUGE Parent….” (end quote).

Just to make it more grasping  below is the image I was supposed to (and ilude I will, might) look alike.

her face is not me because she is not I, but look at the body image…(that could have been me now as she is as old as I am.)
Well, if the fashion, culture (HUGE Parent) was saying being chubby was the best, winner , wouldn’t she be one of the winners then?
 

I was born 35 years ago in a family with lots of conflicts. My mother and father were two people with very different perspectives about life. My father was a very religous person while my mother was not religous at all. For example, wearing hijab was a value for my father but my mother never wore a hijab. They would get in lots of argument because of that. Later, I learned being like my mother, not wearing a hijab, can put my life in trouble, so to survive I decided to attach to my aunt, my father’s sister.

I got adapted learning abusive relationships was the world. Ofcourse, none of these can be an excuse to turn what I had done to myself ok. They just explain and provide a chance for me to change, to live a healthy life.

As an abused Child, I always would get attracted and fall for abusive people and relationships.
As an Ok Child, I wanted not to be abuse or to do harm.

The first good thing that I did for myself was to get introduced to the TA. The winner inside me found a therapist who was a winner. That’s the real I, I learned.

I started my change and growth when I was 25 or 26 years old. For those who have done changes through therapy, I need not to mention as they know how painful and difficult it is to throw away adapted, childhood, programing as the programmings have become a part of who the person indentifies him or her self with. and for those who have always lived a similar way, no change, let me tell you it takes a whole lots of courage, power, strenghts, work, paitient, forgiveness, love, want, will, objetcive data processing, care and so on and so forth to change.

My life now has a light sheding on it. My life now is about my furthur growth and change as my therapy continues. My life now is about discovering the real person who I am.

My life now is about learning there is a god who loves me whithin myself and not outside .
My life now is about discovering the god within myself, the peace and my true happiness.

“ It is cruel, you know, that music should be so beautiful. It has the beauty of loneliness and pain; of strength and freedom. The beauty of disappointment and never satisfied love. The cruel beauty of nature and the ever lasting beauty of monotony.”
Benjamin Britten.(1913- 1976)

Above statement was the saddest statement I’ve read from a musician. Benjamin Britten was an English famous composer of the modern age. The period of time that the world faced two wars: WWI and WWII. If you listen to the music conducted at that time, you can clearly realize the dramatic difference in tonality, melody, dynamics and harmony from previous ages, and, even, from now a day’s music.

I think that was the most rebellious time in the history of art when the artists just rebelled.
The musicians, for example, took the tonality out of music and stated the melody and harmony is free since they thought the tonic note meant the most special (superior) one. However, they didn’t free the music, they produced a new culture for music. Understanding the music by putting meanings and names on it such as beautiful, disappointing, horror and so forth is a cultural approach to music, not freedom.

Almost six years ago, on December 1999, I took a trip to France and stayed in Paris for ten weeks. My trip to Paris was a good experience. First of all, I was going on a vacation out of Iran. I was living in Tehran at that time, and I hadn’t traveled to a foreign country for twenty years. I expected to experience new deeds in a different culture, and I wasn’t disappointed. What I liked the most was the fact that I wouldn’t have to wear a hijab when I would appear in public, so like a child delirious for her special gift, I took off my scarf the moment I stepped out of the airplane in Paris’ international airport. Not wearing a scarf, I let the air flow through my hair while the sun gently caressed it. Secondly, I met Susanti. I only knew her through written communication since she was my internet friend. I had a notion of her, and I was excited to meet her face to face, for I wanted to know if my perception was true. We had less in common than I thought, but I learned more about her during the day that we spent with each other than the whole year through the internet.As an example, when I went shopping for our lunch, I bought lettuce, tomatoes, fish, mushroom and rice thinking she would like them, but she liked bread, Swiss cheese, ham, and yogurt. Last but not least, I got trained in advanced aerobics which served me very well when I went back to Iran since I already was a part time aerobics instructor. I could get a hold of various video tapes in Tehran, but exercising in the real environment as a student was the perfect opportunity for me to learn new and improved skills.For example, I realized the important role of the instuctor for keeping the class alive. I liked one of my teachers the most because I was hearing his directions even when I was in the last row since his voice was louder than the music. Also, he moved around in the class smiling while he was exercising with us, so I felt welcomed in his class. I left Paris with nice memories that after six years, I smiled when I recalled them.

I met my ex-husband when I was twenty years old. I dated him for seven months then my father insisted I agree to marry him since the social culture in Iran didn’t accept other relationships between young women and men but marriages at that time. My marriage lasted for six years, and as I recall, it was seventy two months hassling. My ex-husband was the worst person I’ve ever known.

He was ridiculously jealous. It was common in Iranian culture to have a jealous husband, but his weariness was crossing the line to extreme. For example, the first year of our marriage on New Year’s Eve, he started to have some attitude and stopped talking to me at a party. I was embarrassed in front of others, and on the other hand, I was scared. I had no idea that he was upset because I danced. He stated later on I should never dance again unless I danced with him, or he gave me the permission to do so. His jealousy wasn’t related just to my behavior and me, but it also extended to further aspects. As an example, he used to play tennis, and he would go to the club with his friends. One day he lost his game while his friend won. He was so envy that not only he didn’t congratulate his friend but wished his friend was sick to lose.

Secondly, he was egoistic and opportunism. He was the center of the universe, or the sun rose from west. For instance, he always had to have his annual birthday parties while mine could easily be forgotten. On his birthdays, I had to prepare, cook, serve, and clean, so he could just have fun. In addition, he never supported me financially. I had a part time job, and my father helped me to pay my personal expenses. Likewise, he used to take advantage of any chances and people for his own benefit. When my father was struggling with cancer and the treatment,as an example, he was thinking about my father’s death and properties since he was already planning about what he wanted to do with the inheritance.

Furthermore, he was irresponsible regarding his decisions and deeds. Whenever we had a date, he was late. One Friday night, I waited an hour in the main street. He didn’t apologize but had an excuse; the traffic was heavy, or he was on time. Moreover, in many critical situations, he changed the scenario in a way, so I was the guilty person. For instance, I didn’t like funeral ceremonies, and it was his mother’s brother-in-law’s funeral. He told me that it wasn’t crucial to attend the ceremony, so I didn’t. Realizing I wasn’t there, his mother was offended because she took it personally. He didn’t explain to his mother why I wasn’t there but adapted to her notion and put the blame on me that I did not respect his mother and didn’t attend the ceremony for that purpose.

I was so negatively influenced by him during our marriage that I was horrified to trust men for some good amount of time after our divorce. Being his wife again is my worst nightmare; hence, I doubt I ever forget him.

“Where are you from?”
“Iran.”
“O.. I’ve been in Iran.”
“Really!!!”
“Yes, many years ago. I guess even before you were born.”

Thos many years ago were the brilliant ages for Iran and Iranians. I remember my father would describe it: Golden Years. He liked it a lot. So, those Golden Years, like any ages through history, had their own form of art so did movies and TV series. Scoffing had lots of partisans, and one of the most wanted scoffing TV series was “Daii Jaan Napoleon.”

The series is based on a novel named the same by Iraj Pezeshkzaad in the 1970s.

Although the story is told through an young teenage boy who has falen for Leyla, Daii Jaan’s daughter, it is mainly about a Paranoid old man, Daii Jaan, who is pretty delusional. He has an authoritarian character, and trust nothing even not himself I suppose.

I realized the novel has been translated in English, ” My Unlce Napoleon” by Dick Davis. Davis states; “God forbid, I’ve fallen in love with Layli!” So begins the farce of our narrator’s life, one spent in a large extended Iranian family lorded over by the blustering, paranoid patriarch, Dear Uncle Napoleon. When Uncle Napoleon’s least-favorite nephew falls for his daughter, Layli, family fortunes are reversed, feuds fired up and resolved, and assignations attempted and thwarted.(end quote)

Amazing how people exchange materials such as literature. So, Iranian’s culture is being introduced to world. nice!

Sizdeh Bedar is yet to arrive (13, Farvardin or 2, April). It is the day 13 of the new year in Iran, and people celebrate it by going out doors and having fun. Some travel further; some not, but mostly spend it in natural environments such as parks.

The number 13 is not a good number as they believed, and some yet rather use 12+1 instead of it. I suppose that’s why it is a holiday, and people go out to take the bad luck out of their houses, and by throwing out their Haft Seen’s grass away they illude they throw the bad luck away.

It is also the last day of the holidays and spring break.

Eid Didani is another traditional custom of the NoRouz. Eid Didani refers to the visits people do during the NoRouz holidays. It is also a tradition that they should visit their parents and elders of the family first then they will move to younger members and friends. It has been exagareted, and sometimes a reason for people to fight as they argue on whose house should be visited first.

On the other hand, no one likes the eid didani because everything has turned so expensive that they can’t satisfy their high expectations any more.

Below is a joke;

note where they have made their house while they are inviting people for Eid Didani.