Thinking out loud

I did not grow up with animals, so I hardly understood “petting” shall I say. Each time I saw people with their pet, cat and dogs mostly, I wondered,” what does that mean?” or ” what is this about?”, questions like that.
Well, recently I realized having and petting those animals were life saving. how? here it goes: I have been socializing with my neighbors, one could say, and I realized most of them (but me) like, actually love, pets. One of my neighbors told me,” do you know what it’s (petting) called?”
“no”
“It’s called love”

Most people do with them as they do with their own children, sometimes more gentle.

Penny is a cat, and Sophia is a dog.One care giver is an old woman who has nervous ticks or reactions with each single word she says, and the other one is a guy who burns alcohol and medicine as his main daily nutrition. In my mind, both animals are helping their care givers to stay alive since the pets are keeping their owners companies as being “loved” by their care givers.

Probably pets bring meannings and purposes to many lives as children do, better to practice messing up pets than humans.

Since when being a house wife is not a job?

Living in an apartment, I hear lots of discussions which goes on between friends and partners. If they speak English or Farsi, I will understand what they say. Well, today I heard a power play argument going on between a boyfriend and girlfriend who have a child. She isn’t making money, but he does. Feeling proud he said,” fine, you pay the rent for the next month.” She almost screamed of anger.
I thought since when being a house wife is not a job?
Why a job is only considered as an activity to earn money?  Money brings power!

If you have gone through my old drafts located on this blog, probably you would have realized I used to be a very fat girl, actually almost +100 kg when I was 18.

I was teased at, laughed at, put down and even encouraged, yes as strange as it sounds, encouraged, for being fat. I remember boys would call me ,dokhtar hadji in streets which was not a nice compliment, and it did hurt. I was picked up in school, and I had a friend who wouldn’t mind i get more fat as she was a very jealous girl in general.

Anyway, since then I became obsessed  with my weight and  my look as I would always see me as a fat girl. Regardless of how much I weighed later in my early adulthood, there was always room and more kilograms to lose. There always were smaller sizes of dress which I could wear and fit in as I had to be the thinnest and fittest to feel ok.

Past week I heard in news that medical professionals have not yet found a solution to acheive a permanent weight loss ; in my mind,they yet have not found what is the healthy weight.

Yes, there is a range, and there are theories but no solution.
 to lose weight or not to lose weight.

They are so called yo-yo dieters, those who do not maintain a stable weight through their lives. But, who does?

Oprah Winfrey, to name one, has been 185 Ibs at 1986, 145 Ibs at 1988, 237 Ibs at 1992, 150 Ibs at 2005, and 165 Ibs at 2006.

The point is which one is the healthy weight, the least or the most or the mid? I bet many women would say the least. But, if being big and chubby as no bones shown was the fashion these days would women still behave, think and feel the same? would they yet die to be the thinnest to be the sexiest, the most attractive? Probably the answer is no, so where is the line? or is there any line at all?

What I am trying to point out and say is most of our thinkings, feelings and behaviors are influenced by our culture, TA speaking : A HUGE Parent. A culture which says and determines the shoulds and the should nots, the oughts and the ougth nots, the ways and the way nots and so on and so forth. We are bunch of people with lost identities who blindly and falsely follow cultural norms, rules and routins in hope of finding ourselves again, but guess what? More ones conforms; more one gets lost.

So , which is the I? how do I naturally look alike? As a woman, what is my natural and healthy look alike?

Earlier I’ve posted about the weight issue I had, and, also, those who have gone through the old drafts I’ve archived here already know I suffered from eating disorders for atleast 10-13 years. I yet struggle with my look and weight just a bit slighter than some other women I suppose.

Any how, I found a piece online, and it was so similar to how I thought and felt that I couldn’t resist not to mention it here, on my blog. she said:
 ”Since the age of six I’ve had bad body image. I was always NOT RIGHT. Something was always fucked up with me. Either it was my hair or my feet or my nose, or my weight. I figured that if I could just be thinner, things would be better. If I could just lose some weight, I would be a different person with different friends and some different glamorous life. And so it started.”……”It was disgusting for me to…. , but I put my whole life into being the best, the thinnest, the winner..” (end quote).

It is an imaginary battle to fight to be accepted.

What I pointed out earlier in particular in one of my poatings is:
“But, if being big and chubby as no bones shown was the fashion these days would women still behave, think and feel the same? would they yet die to be the thinnest to be the sexiest, the most attractive? Probably the answer is no, so where is the line? or is there any line at all?
What I am trying to point out and say is most of our thinkings, feelings and behaviors are influenced by our culture, TA speaking : A HUGE Parent….” (end quote).

Just to make it more grasping  below is the image I was supposed to (and ilude I will, might) look alike.

her face is not me because she is not I, but look at the body image…(that could have been me now as she is as old as I am.)
Well, if the fashion, culture (HUGE Parent) was saying being chubby was the best, winner , wouldn’t she be one of the winners then?
 

I was born 35 years ago in a family with lots of conflicts. My mother and father were two people with very different perspectives about life. My father was a very religous person while my mother was not religous at all. For example, wearing hijab was a value for my father but my mother never wore a hijab. They would get in lots of argument because of that. Later, I learned being like my mother, not wearing a hijab, can put my life in trouble, so to survive I decided to attach to my aunt, my father’s sister.

I got adapted learning abusive relationships was the world. Ofcourse, none of these can be an excuse to turn what I had done to myself ok. They just explain and provide a chance for me to change, to live a healthy life.

As an abused Child, I always would get attracted and fall for abusive people and relationships.
As an Ok Child, I wanted not to be abuse or to do harm.

The first good thing that I did for myself was to get introduced to the TA. The winner inside me found a therapist who was a winner. That’s the real I, I learned.

I started my change and growth when I was 25 or 26 years old. For those who have done changes through therapy, I need not to mention as they know how painful and difficult it is to throw away adapted, childhood, programing as the programmings have become a part of who the person indentifies him or her self with. and for those who have always lived a similar way, no change, let me tell you it takes a whole lots of courage, power, strenghts, work, paitient, forgiveness, love, want, will, objetcive data processing, care and so on and so forth to change.

My life now has a light sheding on it. My life now is about my furthur growth and change as my therapy continues. My life now is about discovering the real person who I am.

My life now is about learning there is a god who loves me whithin myself and not outside .
My life now is about discovering the god within myself, the peace and my true happiness.

“ It is cruel, you know, that music should be so beautiful. It has the beauty of loneliness and pain; of strength and freedom. The beauty of disappointment and never satisfied love. The cruel beauty of nature and the ever lasting beauty of monotony.”
Benjamin Britten.(1913- 1976)

Above statement was the saddest statement I’ve read from a musician. Benjamin Britten was an English famous composer of the modern age. The period of time that the world faced two wars: WWI and WWII. If you listen to the music conducted at that time, you can clearly realize the dramatic difference in tonality, melody, dynamics and harmony from previous ages, and, even, from now a day’s music.

I think that was the most rebellious time in the history of art when the artists just rebelled.
The musicians, for example, took the tonality out of music and stated the melody and harmony is free since they thought the tonic note meant the most special (superior) one. However, they didn’t free the music, they produced a new culture for music. Understanding the music by putting meanings and names on it such as beautiful, disappointing, horror and so forth is a cultural approach to music, not freedom.